Simple steps to become a real feminist

As a feminist, I’m always looking for new and more creative ways to oppress the natural expression of masculinity, and what better time to do that than on International Women’s Day.

Feminists are required by law to be both overly earnest and utterly humourless. So if you do find yourself taken by the urge to giggle while reading this it will be quite obvious that you are not a Real Feminist as stipulated in the guidelines set forth by Germaine Greer, aka the Only Feminist Known To The General Public and our matriarchal overlady.

Now, some of you may be new to the boner killing game. Oldies in the feminist community will testify that it’s our life’s mission to destroy the world one glorious tradition at a time by creating Boner Killers wherever we go. Think of us as an infestation - a plague if you will - whose sole objective is to collapse the family unit and create an army of walking Venus fly traps and literally castrate men one by one, thereby fulfilling the ultimate objective of the feminist ideology which is, obviously, to destroy the world.

So how do we do that? It can be tricky knowing where to start because some people like to pretend that there are many different schools of feminist thought and activism, and that feminists can actually be quite reasonable individuals. Sadly, this is a lie. Most people know there’s only one homogenous brand of feminism, and that’s the-ball breaking, ugly kind. In many respects, this makes your task easier because you have a much more one-dimensional blueprint with which to work.

If you are getting concerned that you can't live up to the feminist role, don’t worry! It’s easy to learn how to become a Real Feminist, because there are copious amounts of official academic guides and experts around to help you out.

Probably the easiest place to start is with News Ltd. Many, many people trained in defining feminism like to engage in highbrow debate and witty repartee on the cultural building blocks that form the News Ltd commenting umbrella. One such highly respected academic goes simply by the name of ‘Eric’, and he is in fact so well versed in his topic that you can see his name not just hundreds of times on any link to do with women’s rights but invariably always right at the start of any thread. This is because he cares deeply about Real Feminism and has devoted years to its study.

But just to really pare it down for you, I’ve provided a handy guide to Becoming a Real Feminist. It may take some time to get used to, because initially all you may be able to see is the blatant absurdity of it all - but trust me, you will soon become comfortable with the idea that a centuries-old movement made up of women all over the world and consisting of what appears to be a wide range of concerns, lifestyles, motivations and often disagreements is actually nothing more complex than a one-size-fits-all mumu for angry, dissatisfied lesbians.

The first thing you need to know if you want to be a Real Feminist is this: feminists are ugly in a really conventional sense. They just are. Everyone knows that. It’s like a really weird paradox, because no one’s sure which came first. Are they ugly because they’re feminists or are they feminists because they’re ugly? Are men not sexually attracted to them because they’re feminists or because they’re ugly? Does it even matter? The most important thing a woman can be is 1) Sexually attractive to a man and 2) A mother. If she can’t or won’t achieve those things, maybe the only place she CAN go is the feminist mother ship.

If you’re not ugly already - and it’s okay, a lot of - maybe even all - feminists aren’t - there are ways you can get there. First, try to achieve a body shape that is not considered acceptable by the mainstream media. This can be anything from having too-small breasts to having a gigantic bottom. Secondly, you’re going to have to stop the body hair removal. Feminists are hairy. They have hairy, scraggly armpit hair and we know that armpit hair on a woman is unnatural and unattractive. If the good Lord had meant women to have hair under their arms, he wouldn’t have created the Gillette Venus silk-smooth shaver, or advertising.

Get used to the idea of being lesbians. Feminists are all lesbians, and they’re the gross kinds of lesbians. Like, they’re not the kinds of lesbians you see in the sex documentaries, the ones with the long fingernails and the confusing obsession with rubber dildos and the ones that let you watch. These are the exclusive lesbians - the separatists if you will. They are lesbians because men do not like them and so they have turned to women.

Now we come to the most important part. Lesbian feminists (which is actually a tautology) all hate men. They do. They hate them and they want to oppress them and that, my friends, is a scientific fact. If you want to be a Real Feminist, you have to learn to hate men because everyone knows you cannot be a feminist and like men and recognise that patriarchal structures oppress both women and men. If you try and explain to a News Ltd commenter feminist academic that you do not hate men, they actually will be unable to understand you because you will be talking gobbledegook.

Last on your quest to be a feminist, but certainly not least - you will have to embrace Nazism. This is because all feminists are also Nazis, and hence receive the amusingly witty label of the ‘feminazi’. I know on the surface it seems like a stretch to equate a movement that believes in equality and respect for all with one that killed 6 million Jews, homosexuals, disabled folk and gypsies. But when you think about, it actually makes total sense. You just have to think about it really, really, really hard. But that’s okay because feminists don’t actually think about anything other than how they can further cripple and oppress the men of their acquaintance, so you don’t even need to worry too much about that.

Once you have achieved all of this - the ugly, the hairy, the hating, the rampant philosophy of mass genocide - you will have made it. With the right care, you too can one day know the great pleasure that comes with your carefully considered, layered and rapscallion arguments being dismissed by the very first commenter as ‘yet more hysterical rantings from the hairy arm pitted, lesbian feminazi brigade who have infiltrated the mass media and are destroying traditions that have existed happily for millennia and don’t you know that WOMEN ABUSE MEN TOO WHY AREN’T YOU WRITING ABOUT THAT WHAT ABOUT SINGLE DADS AND THE FAMILY COURT?!”

Welcome to the world Baby Girl. You’re a Real Feminist now. Collect your iron chastity belt at the door.