No Sex and the Suburbs

I was told by one of my male colleagues over a few pints in the pub the other night, that I need to start including more sex in my column.

"After all, having sex is the reason why we go on dates, isn't it?," he said.

Call me old fashioned but I disagree. I don't go on dates in the hope of sleeping with someone, I go on dates in the hope of meeting an attractive man, whose company I enjoy and with whom I share things in common.

If I like them, I'll see them again but I won't sleep with them until the relationship has progressed into something more serious and exclusive.

In fact, I haven't slept with anyone since splitting with my ex-boyfriend (Mr H) 10 months ago. Sure, there have been times in the past 10 months when I've had a few too many glasses of red wine, become a bit flirty and invited a guy back to my flat for a drunken fumble. But I've never had sex with any of them.

Does that make me boring? Perhaps it does. Certainly to male colleagues, whom I think were surprised to learn that the reason behind starting a dating column wasn't to sleep with as many men as possible.

But that's the difference between men and women. Most men, usually of the Alpha male varierty, are always on the hunt for sex and 10 months without without it would seem unbearable.

Some are willing to sleep with anyone just to avoid the embarrassment of telling their friends they are having a dry spell. The majority of women, on the other hand, don't really care.

I mean there are a small minority of women who throw themselves at a man in a desperate bid to feel wanted, even if it's only for one night. But no matter what any girl says, no matter how free and easy they claim to be, nobody likes to be rejected. And rejected they will be if they hastily decide to jump into bed with a stranger.

I know I probably sound like your mum but I'm telling you as it is. I'm not some wannabe Carrie Bradshaw writing for a glossy women's magazine, pretending that casual sex should make you feel empowered. It won't, it will make you feel cheap and lacking self worth, and all women know that deep down.

I rejoice in the fact that modern day society is pro-woman - why shouldn't we have great careers while juggling families? But I'm angered by the fact that the media makes women feel they have to behave like men in order to be treated equally. Today, women's magazines and shows like Sex and the City seem to perpetuate the notion that women should enjoy casual sex in the same way men do and walk away once it's over without feeling like they've relinquished anything. But, unfortunately, the female brain doesn't work like that and it's a biological fact that, after sex, we will form an attachement with that person and will want to see them again (unless you were completely intoxicated and don't remember any of it. In which case, you shouldn't be having sex at all!).

For most women, sex is more emotional then physical and we should save it for the people we feel emotionally bonded to.

I'm not taking the moral high ground here, I'm speaking from experience. I've had my fair share of rejections in the past to know that, for the most part, casual sex doesn't make you happy. I mean, if you're lacking confidence or self-worth it might offer you a quick fix to help numb those feelings. But then sex becomes a drug and instead of eradicating the problems, in the long term it ends up intensifying them.

So I’m afraid the chastity belt is staying on and there will be no more talk of sex in this column until I actually meet a boyfriend, which is good news for all you readers, I’m sure. It's bad news for some of my male colleagues but then you can only please some of the people some of the time and I’ve spent long enough as a single girl to know that by now.