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William tells Kate to 'belt up'

There were strange noises coming from Buck House last night, with some sources claiming that the centuries old tradition of chastity, sorry, that should read the chastity belt, is to be reinstated among the aristocracy.

With shocked faces all around the breakfast table this morning, the people of Britain will be wondering if this really is the time to be announcing such an austere measure, but the powers that be are determined to learn lessons from past mistakes. They want to send a clear message to the public that romance can only go so far in an institution as complex as the royal family.

At the time of the last big wedding back in '81, the country was riding a veritable tsunami of self importance and puffed up rhetoric, and the early opinions on the purity of Charles' marriage to Diana turned out to be rather wide of the mark. In the end, the wave broke on the shores of our cherished, er, 'constitution', and we we're all lucky that the country managed to avoid a total 'meltdown'.

Then came Sarah and Andrew: a poor man's Charles and Di but still nothing to be sniffed at when a little bit of Royal worshiping was called for, as it was at that time. It turned out that, with Sarah's chastity literally having been written all over her face by God, the 'highse of Windsaar' took its eye off the ball a bit, and the final tragedy of England's Rose unfolded on that harrowing night in Paris.

So, it seems that romance is dead, and the burden of duty must weigh heavily around the vadge of her madge to be, Kate Middleton. So, in the future, if you ever hear strange noises seeping from the palace, at least you'll know that its William's willy, and not anyone else's ,that's responsible for all the commotion.


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Dan Savage gives love and sex advice to college kids on MTV's 'Savage U'

You think all that too-hot-for-TV outrage over the teens on "Skins" would make MTV tighten up its chastity belt? Not so much: Sex columnist Dan Savage is coming to MTV late night with the new sex and relationship advice series "Savage U," which finds him taking very personal questions from students while touring college campuses.

MTV has also ordered a full season of "The Inbetweeners," an American version of the U.K. comedy about the everyday lives and crude fantasies of young people in the suburbs, and "Friendzone," a teenage dating show from the producers of "Jersey Shore."

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Are we dating like animals?

“Animals Showing Off” is an amazing National Geographic pop-up book that fell into my lap — or rather, I found it in the backseat of my car.

I was taking some books to the local bookshop but when I saw blue-footed boobies on the front cover, a light bulb literally lit up right above my head. Eureka! I’ve gotta do some animal mating research. Humans are in the animal category, classified as Homo Sapiens, to be exact. In Latin it translates to “wise man” or “knowing man”. But when it comes to dating, sometimes the wise or knowing parts of us get tossed out the window and make us act pretty reckless. Seducing a mate is one of the most powerful forces in the world, and it may even make us act like animals.

A quote from Olivia Judson’s book, “Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation” says: “The more her desires clash with his, the more diabolical the outcome.”

Take for example, the female praying mantis. Oftentimes, the males gets eaten before he even has a chance to mate. He has to make his moves slowly, carefully, with precision sneaky sneakery, or he risks the chance of having his head eaten off.

I’m sure a guy or two has felt this way when their lover was livid. The more aggressive females become, like a viscous female garden spider, the more males try to escape. From a survival standpoint, the male who gets away has the upper hand, and his head intact.

In other species, the males become possessive of their female mate and with good reason. The male stick insect hangs onto his lover for 10 weeks. This will ensure no other males have a chance of winning over his beautiful bark-like beloved. In most species, the female will partner up with more males than necessary to fertilize their magical baby-making eggs. From chimpanzees to rabbits, the females rarely remain faithful to one partner. This translates into human courtship, too.

A queen bee may have up to 25,000 males competing for her sweet bee booty. But once copulation happens, bam! He is more than likely to explode, with his baby making parts blocking the way for other queen bee suitors.

Other species use less destructive protection, ensuring their genes are spread. Such as a glue-like chastity belt used by snakes, mice, bats and butterflies.

Stag beetles put up a physical fight for a female mate like a WWF wrestling match. And there’s no lack of excitement around the pond during bullfrog mating season. Large male bullfrogs hold the little guys under water for a few minutes when competing for a mate. So the smaller bullfrogs end up hanging out on the sides like pond flowers.

Some animals use more suave ways to attract a mate. Cardinals have similar courting rituals to humans. They “mate feed”. A deep red-colored male (a show-off trait) picks up a seed, touches its beak to the female before she takes the seed. This is the start of the courting ritual through the incubation period. They remain monogamous until the the breeding season comes to an end. Put some lips where there were beaks, a steak dinner by candlelight, and maybe a feather or two, and it sounds like human dating to me.

Male cockatoos show off their plumes, while female fireflies put on a light show. Humans display their best when looking for a mate. And unless humans evolve into hermaphrodites like transparent roundworms or mangrove fish, there will be a variety of methods to swoon, woo, court, and seduce the opposite sex.

So be your best self, show off your amazing qualities, get out there and have fun dating!

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Chick Wit: App-y days: A fix for you on the Net

Now I've seen everything.

Apparently there are people in this world who are supposed to be working on their computers, but spend so much time cruising the Internet, playing online games, and posting on Facebook that they go out and buy an application to lock them out of their fun and games, so that they force themselves to use their computer only for work and research.

I'm not making that up.

The app is called Self-Control, and I'm not making that up, either.

Once you install Self-Control, it can't be disabled in any way, even by turning off the computer and restarting it. You install the app and set it for a certain amount of time, like three hours, and you get no access to any of your time-wasters until the time is up.

Amazing, right?

And who are those people who lack self-control to such an extent that they have to buy it?

Well, for starters, me.

In other words, if you lack maturity, there's an app for that.

I love this idea.

I haven't bought the Self-Control app, but I'm thinking about it, and then I'm going shopping for all the other apps I need. Namely:

Eat too much chocolate cake?

There's an app for that.

Watch too much TV?

There's an app for that.

Yap on the cell phone until it singes your cheek?

There's an app for that, too.

With these apps, you can willingly give up your power to something that prevents you from having any fun at all.

Sounds like my second marriage.

Or, as I now think of it, my Thing Two app.

What a concept! An app as a chastity belt, for your life.

Here we are, living in the United States, a country that fought wars for its freedoms, and somehow we've come to the point where we have to pay a computer to take our freedoms away.

Because a machine has more common sense than we do. Though we, allegedly, have the brain.

As the song says, lack of freedom isn't free.

Tell you what worries me about this.

Watson.

You know who that is, right? Watson is the computer who beat all comers at Jeopardy! last month. Did you watch that? I did, with a sinking heart. The studio audience was all happy, full of shills for the IBM engineers who built Watson, but I feared for all of humankind.

Why?

Simple.

How are we going to win anything if the computers start going on game shows?

Mark my words. The cursor is on the wall, people.

The smartphones are already smarter than we are, and now the computers will be raking in all the cruises and refrigerators.

You can kiss that dinette goodbye, bucko.

The price may be right, but you aren't, when you play against your laptop.

And it gets worse.

I heard about an app that you install in your laptop, then you put your laptop between your mattress and box spring, and the app records your movements during the night. If you set the app's timer to wake you up within a half-hour period, it will wake you up when you're moving around the most. Theoretically, this would be when you weren't in your deepest sleep, and then you'd wake up refreshed.

OK, that's officially scary.

I want my computer asleep when I am.

I don't want my computer to know more about me than I do. The next thing you know, it'll be sneaking around my bedroom, trying on my jewelry and sticking its fingers in my face cream. My laptop has its own sleep cycle, and it should stay out of mine.

And what happens if you're the kind of person who sleeps with four dogs, all of whom walk around the bed all night, scratching, snorting, and farting?

I mean, who are these people who sleep with four dogs? And sometimes a cat?

OK, that would be me, too.

That would create havoc with the app, if it was to measure the movement in my bed, which turned out to be Peach and Little Tony.

But enough about the movement in my bed.

In fact, there's not enough movement in my bed, of late.

Think there's an app for that?

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